Saos

Split

2012-01-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

Ugh. Sometime I wonder what I'm doing. I feel like I don't have a direction to go. I want to do so many things. I love producing these 3 minute segments with Art, but then I want to do other things... Like Adventure Awaits or Weddings (can't believe I'm saying that) or fictional films or documentaries or commercials. I would love to create a business that allows all these things to happen.

I know I have one feature length film in me that has been brewing for 4 years now. I can't seem to lock down a script.

I love doing Adventure Awaits, but will probably have to wait til summer unless we don't get any snow in MT this year.

That last one falls under documentaries. I just love doing it. It's one of the reasons I love working with Art because it's a 3 minute documentary on people in MT. And I can be artistic and funny and emotional and promotional. I really want to use Art and my gift to help Travel MT, but who knows how to get a hold of them.

Weddings well on our last wedding we did we created an awesome product which I'm excited about. I think if we did weddings again we'd be like the Apple (cream of the crop) of wedding video companies in town.

All of this seems irreverent anyways because we are going to be moving which takes priority. My family wants us in VT soon and after it's all said and done I will be on to something else or too tired to follow through.

I'm just upset and need to shut up and just do it.

2011-09-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

I am thinking about watching Current TV's 50 documentaries to see before you die.
Which consist of these movies:
50. Spellbound (2002)
49. Madonna: Truth or Dare (1991)
48. The Kid Stays in the Picture (2002)
47. One Day in September (1999)
46. Little Dieter Needs to Fly (1998)
45. Decline of Western Civilization: The Metal Years (1988)
44. Burma VJ (2008)
43. When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts (2006)
42. Catfish (2010)
41. The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters (2007)
40. When We Were Kings (1996)
39. Biggie and Tupac (2002)
38. March of the Penguins (2005)
37. Inside Job (2010)
36. Taxi to the Dark Side (2007)
35. Paragraph 175 (2000)
34. Brother’s Keeper (1992)
33. Tongues Untied (1989)
32. Dogtown and Z-Boys (2001)
31. Jesus Camp (2006)
30. Farenheit 9/11 (2004)
29. Man on Wire (2008)
28. GasLand (2010)
27. Tarnation (2003)
26. Murderball (2005)
25. Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (2005)
24. Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills (1996)
23. The Eyes of Tammy Faye (2000)
22. Shut Up & Sing (2006)
21. Exit Through The Gift Shop (2010)
20. Capturing the Friedmans (2003)
19. Touching the Void (2003)
18. Food, Inc. (2008)
17. Street Fight (2005)
16. Bus 174 (2002)
15. Crumb (1994)
14. Dark Days (2000)
13. The Fog of War (2003)
12. Bowling For Columbine (2002)
11. Paris Is Burning (1990)
10. Grizzly Man (2005)
9. Trouble the Water (2008)
8. An Inconvenient Truth (2006)
7. The Celluloid Closet (1995)
6. The War Room (1993)
5. Super Size Me (2004)
4. Waltz with Bashir (2008)
3. Roger and Me (1989)
2. The Thin Blue Line (1988)
1. Hoop Dreams (1994)

Some of these I've seen, but will venture into them once more. Now this all depends on our video store and what they have. I will let you know how it goes.

These are the list of all documentaries I've seen.
Planet Earth
Human Planet
Life
Yellowstone battle for life
The Cove
Supersize Me
Bowling for Columbine
Fahrenheit 9-11
Shut Up and Sing
Grizzly Man
Roger and Me
Waiting for Superman
Babies
Paradise lost 1
Paradise lost 2
Who Killed the Electric Car
Hearts of Darkness
Lost in La Mancha
American Movie

I'm excited to see how these new 50 inspire me.

The Dream

2011-02-08T17:49:00.000-08:00

I have always had this dream of filming wild life. For a while it was being on the camera crew for the Croc Hunter... Sadly, Steve Irwin died while I was in school and that dream came to an end. But I've always been drawn to the shows on Discovery or Animal Planet.... Which are all owned by BBC. Leave it to another country to produce quality programing.

I finally have an industry job, but it's not exactly what I want to do. One big reason I wanted to be in the entertainment industry is, ONE to entertain, and TWO to be in the action..... Directing the News, isn't very actiony.

So I started thinking, maybe apply for jobs working for the BBC or National Geographic. Unfortunately, those jobs would take me away from my family for long periods of time. I don't think it would be worth it to loose out on that time with my daughter and wife just to go film some animals in the arctic or something.

So what is there? There is Adventure Awaits. That's what I have that no one else does. So I think it's time to get serious and buckle down. I think it's time to go all out, make it a feature and stop beating around the bush. I have also always want to make a feature film to submit to festivals so here we go. LETS DO THIS!!! Who care if it makes money or not, it's not about that... It's about giving myself a chance and doing what I love.

Top 10 of 2010

2011-01-14T12:05:00.000-08:00

10. Camping by myself, ruff for an only child who has abandonment issues.
09. Stayed at awesome B&B in Indiana for Sister-In-laws Wedding.
08. Started working on Montana This Morning.
07. Ghost Hunt on Halloween (a dream come true)
06. Adventure Awaits.
05. Crown Vic! Can I get a WHAAAT, WHAAT!
04. Investing in Pink Eye Studios.
03. Moved into our first Apartment.
02. Jenn and I got jobs at KRTV
01. We're pregnant due May 13th 2011. And it's a girl!

A Cause

2010-09-03T02:22:00.000-07:00

Images like this one have been haunting my dreams. They race through my brain the moment my head leaves the pillow. And why you ask? He's smiling, what could be haunting about that.

As Ric O'Berry (first Dolphin trainer turned Dolphin activist) once said "The Dolphin's smile is natures biggest deception." It gives the illusion that they are always happy, when in reality, they are not.

I recently watched "The Cove" a documentary on Japan's mass slaughter of Dolphins which is then sold as whale meat. Dolphin meat is highly poisonous because it is filled with Mercury. It is an amazing movie, which is why it won the Oscar last year, but this is not the full reason for this blog.

God made me a passionate person. I can get heated up very easily about certain topics. It must be the Italian in me that allows my blood to boil at a moments notice, if you know my Italian family members, you'd understand why I say that.

This topic has been in the works for many years, but it really started forming since I moved to Montana. Nature And What Man Is Doing To It.

As anyone who reads this knows (if anyone reads this) I have a video blog, which tracks my outings in the wilderness. I have always had a heart for animals, but never a passion for their well being. While filming my vlog (video-blog) Adventure Awaits, we have gone out to just find wild life and capture it on video.

At first we were only able to find birds. Then we got an owl, then deer (which until this point were never around when I had my camera), then Antelope, then we hit the jackpot we got a fox. Now this is where God really comes in. I have always wanted to see a fox up close, but normally they were seen running away at a distance. This fox let us creep right up to him in our car. We were no more then 5 feet away from this beautiful, young, red fox.

It was amazing.

It was exciting.

It was spiritual.

I have had plenty of good times, but that one ranks pretty high.

When I'm not going outside, I am watching Planet Earth or Life or Man vs Wild or Into the Pride or something about nature. And it keeps getting beat into me that everything in nature works with each other.

Except man.

Even reading the Bible. God told us to take care of the animals, he put us in charge of the care of his land. How are we doing so far?

I have been able to see two white tigers up close and personal, with bars between us. The last wild White Tiger was seen in the 1950's, but now they are only seen in zoos and magic shows. We have destroyed this creature, like we have so many others.

In the show Into the Pride, the host/ main character says there isn't anywhere you can go where humans haven't been, where there isn't a sign that they've been there.

It's true.

On outings, I have found wrappers, S hooks, a car door, a fridge. Why are these things dis guarded here, in the wild?

We have lost touch.

Most people will see a Moose next to a Ski Resort and think it's tame and have their children get close to it to take pictures, not even thinking this animal could be rabid and not acting right.

Or when told there is a black bear and her babies in the brush next to the parking lot, they'll stick their head in to check things out.

Or at Yellowstone, people put their life in danger all the time by getting too close to the animals there. "It's a park, what could happen?" Yeah, it's a park with really wild animals in it.

I realize we live in a broken world, but why can't we strive for Eden?

And that sums up everything right there. What makes me whole? Caring about this world and the hope that we will learn from our mistakes.

Music

2010-08-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

There is nothing cooler then a guitar player, and I've always wanted to be one. Maybe it's because I'm an only child and like to be the center of attention. Possibly, one day I will be that guy with a guitar at a party. Thanks to Garage Band and my former roommate Sergio I did get a chance to record some songs and those were some of the best times too.

The real reason for this post is to say I love music. I know this is a real controversial topic, who doesn't like music? I have been getting back into country music, it's spiritual, funny, emotional. I think country music is just different from Rap or Rock, it can just cut to the heart of things... Of course it can also be silly and provocative... Toby Keith.

I love all kinds of music though. There is very few artists I hate or wont listen to. My favs are mostly the oldies, Johnny Cash, Elvis, Beatles, Elton John. But I also love Jimmy Buffett, Kenny Chesney, Dixie Chicks, Angels and Airwaves, Dave Matthews, Pitt Bull, ect. The list really keeps going.

I have also noticed that if you can start your day with some music while making breakfast, most likely it will be a good day. So in conclusion, music is just something that makes me whole.

The Geek Inside

2010-07-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

Do you enjoy Googling your latest question, no matter how odd it may seem? Then you my friend are a geek just like me.

I love to learn things... Which is strange because I hated school when I was younger, but once people stopped telling me what I needed to learn and I got to pick and choose, I couldn't stop. Since High School I have learned the video industry... Which cost a pretty penny. I have learned about history, survival techniques, nature, finances (still mastering that one), God, non-Christian religions, relationships, and so much more.

Books and the Google machine are a couple of my favorite things, not to mention Discovery Channel, Animal Planet, Planet Green, and Travel Channel. Anything that puts more knowledge in the brain is ok with me.

Call of the Wild

2010-06-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

Now this might seem strange to some of you reading this, but I enjoy the wild. As a kid I went to Conservation Camp and learned how to hunt, shoot guns, bows and arrows, learned how to survive in the woods, ate MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat), and made shelters out of tarps... Needless to say it was great fun.

In school my favorite books were "Call of the Wild", and "Hatchet", both books about either a dog or a boy who knew nothing about the wild and ended up in certain circumstances where they either rise to the occasion or shy away from it and die. Both the dog (which I believe to be a metaphor for a man who has been pampered all his life) and the boy survive the great outdoors by themselves. They learn more about themselves then I think most of us ever do. Just like Tom Hanks in "Castaway" it's a testament to the human spirit and will. The power of the greatness that lies inside each one of us, if we choose to unleash it.

Now I lost that around... Um... 8th grade we'll say. Sound right, liking girls, getting involved in drama club. Surprisingly enough, I did not join drama for the girls, I did it to act. ANYWAY! I lost this need to be in the wild. Years later I met my wife to be Jenn Morgan and she took me to the state where she was from, a mythical land named Montana. Yup, visiting Great Falls once started to awake something inside of me. When we left, I missed it, the beauty, the "AHHH" of it all, the SPACE. In LA there isn't much space, heck in Vermont there isn't much space, all the mountains are so squished together.

All of a sudden I wanted to go hiking, camping, watching shows of Discovery about wilderness'. I still held on to that "I'm going to be a city boy" mentality, until we went to Yellowstone and then Glacier. I was set. I wanted adventure in my life, I wanted to see the wild in me. That's when I learned about the Bob Marshall Wilderness and it's--
--China Wall. It's a thirty mile hike to this amazingness, and it's been calling my name. There of course is a lot of work to prepare myself and my Mrs. for this journey, but we'll get there.

Along with this call to be wild, I have the urge to capture it all through the lens of a video camera, hence my video blog "Adventure Awaits". It's part of my passion. It's part of what makes me, me. The need to test myself, and get it on tape. I wonder if Bear Grylls feels that way?

To wrap this up, Jenn and I went around the other day just collecting footage of nature (birds, waterfalls, clouds, ect) And it was one of the best times I had. There is just something about nature that excites, and calms the soul. If I didn't live in Montana I wouldn't know about this side of me, that I truly enjoy. So without the wild I would not be whole.

My Lady

2010-06-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

Now there are many activities that make me feel like a whole person, but there is only one person that truly makes me feel whole. That person is Jenn, my lovely bride. Now this isn't to say we don't get into a spat here or there, but no matter what she makes me happy. I don't want to go too far into it because it's not your business, so just know she is my better half.

Writing Part 2!

2010-06-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

So here is my creepier one. It is kind of a retelling of one of my favorite play "The Zoo Story", but it's also about my friend and the animalistic side of life. I am reworking it a bit, so it's not perfect, but it's still fun.

To Find A Friend

Lips are quivering while I'm smoking my little cylinder of death; waiting for these minor aches in my left arm to form into a mind numbingly painful heart attack. I'm trapped in my cramped, dark, dank, room. The four walls are closing in, inch, by inch, I feel it. I hear it even, the landlord, he says it's just the building settling, but I know the truth. I'm not as stupid as everyone thinks I am. I take another drag. It tickles my throat, the smoke chuckling as I exhale. It says soon I will fall ill and pass on to my next life: the next level of hell.

New point, my heart pounding with thoughts of death; I have become obsessed with the notion. Put a gun to my head and blow my mind away. Take a pillow, place it over my mouth and slowly suffocate. Drive off the road, fly off a cliff, and kiss my burnt ass away. Would the world be saddened? Would anyone shed a tear? My guess is no. But the thought stems from an over romanticized ideal of what it would be like. Go haunt people that have done me wrong. Watch the spectators at my funeral. I say spectators because they are not the ones experiencing it, I am; they are just there to see the show.

Raging in the frontal lobe, I am a failure both in business and in my personal life. I have come to this realization about a minute ago. I have done nothing, accomplished nothing! I am working for a moron who believes a clock store is the answer to all the universes’ problems. All day long I feel my soul tick-tocking away. I had dreams, I had plans to be great, and here I am explaining why this expensive clock is better then the cheap ass one. The difference is the price, nothing else, that's it. What happened to the boy who wanted to grow up to be a painter? He has transformed into a big, fat, sweaty mess, of a man.

Gouging out my retinas right now, as I peep out my one bedroom apartment I notice couples walking by. They are lit by the prancing lights of cars passing by. Their whole body seems to flow to a tango beat. So joyous, so caught up in the other person, so sickening to the window on looker. Aren't you special, you made a connection with another person!? I on the other hand have met no one, love no one, and not even myself as of late. This pack of smokes, my hand, and self-loathing keep me warm at night. It's a wonderful threesome.

Fingers aching from writing down all my thoughts in this book. Now sitting down in the park hoping for some contact with another person. I know I could make a friend if I only put out an effort. Everyone that passes this bench has a different story, a different agenda; so many portraits could express these feelings. A business man is walking his dog looking for a woman to notice his caring side. A woman is reading to her three kids under the shade of a tree. Not one person though is looking my way. Not a single person seems to care about little old…

"What are you doing?" A voice asks from behind my park bench. I quickly shut the little journal I was writing in.

"Just putting some thoughts on paper." I explain as I turn around to see a man standing above me.

"Sorry, I hate people who read over your shoulder and here I am doing the same." The man professes.

"Really? Um… It's okay… What did you think?" I finally spit out.

"Lot of aggression in there." He takes a seat next to me.

I light another cigarette. "Anything else?"

"Can I have one of those?" I hand him a smoke and fire. "It's relatable."

"Really? Thank you."

"Where does the anger come from?" He questions.

"Well, it's not very interesting."

"Try me." He nags.

"Okay, it's like this. I am Thirty-four, I am the equivalent of a store clerk. I have no friends. Seriously, I don't have one. This is probably the longest conversation I've had with someone in months." I explain.

"So you're getting sick of being alone?" He asks.

"Wouldn't you? I mean my family is non-existent. My father left when I was five, my mother drank herself to death. Literally, I walk into our house after school one day, I was like, sixteen, and there was her cold body on the couch, her hand clenching a glass of wine. The glass was half empty… or half full depending on how you look at it." I tried to joke my way out of tears.

"That's horrible."

"Yeah. Then of course I started to become antisocial, friends just started to drop off left and right. All because I couldn't hold a conversation, nor did I have anything to offer them as a friend. I didn't listen to their problems, they didn't listen to mine, and twenty years later, I am trapped in my one bedroom apartment in complete darkness to the rest of the world." I feel relieved.

Hands trembling slightly from the thought that I may have just revealed too much about myself and scared this kind man away. Why I did this seems justified in my head, I have spent a lot of time just bottling this stuff away, without a soul to talk to. It was just a matter of time before it all came blurting out. This gentleman probably would have made a good friend, but at least he gave me some kind of conversation before I die. Lord, knows that he'll make up a reason to leave now.

"Tell you what, how about we go and get some coffee?" He offers. I follow because what else am I going to do right now?

We walk a little ways in silence before he breaks the ice again.

"Sorry, I can't believe I never introduced myself. I'm Jim."

"Hi, Jim. I'm Franklin." I responded as we shake hands.

"So, Frank, you don't have anyone to turn to in this world?"

"That's right. I mean, I wonder how the world will react when I'm gone, but to be honest, I don't think anyone would know."

"What if I told you, I could help you out with your problems?" He asks hiding a smile.

My soul glows with the thought that someone that I have talked to for less then five minutes is willing to help me out and solve my problems. I was sure that everything good in this world was killed off long ago and now Jim proves all that wrong.
I grin from ear to ear. "I would say; when do we start?"

"Right now."

"Thank you." I almost scream with joy.

"Don't thank me yet." We enter the local coffee shop. "What's your drink of choice?"

"God, I don't know I'm not much of a coffee drinker. Ahhh, café Mocha?" I respond.

"Two medium café Mochas, please." The way he says this even puts a smile on the over worked girl behind the counter. Jim even pays for both drinks.

We take a seat and the enamor of someone talking to me starts to wear off so I finally see Jim for who he is. He is dressed in a business suit. Power tie, fancy/ shinny burgundy shirt, and black pants and jacket to match. He has to be some big CEO or lawyer, shrink, something important. So why was he talking to a t-shirt and jeans guy like me? He also has a wedding ring on, so he probably has a family too, this doesn't make sense.

"One, one medium Mocha, two, two medium Mochas! Whahaha." The coffee shop girl announced like the Count from Sesame Street. We take a sip.

My stomach cheers with joy over the hot chocolate drink. Both bitter and sweet at the same time, I wonder what I've been fighting all these years, coffee, caffeine, is great. I want to do this everyday, if my wallet can handle it.

We were back to walking around the town. "Frank, you don't look at life in the correct light." Jim bluntly pointed out.

"How so?"

"You think I got the wife I have, the kid that's on the way, the promotions at work, from looking at what has gone wrong in my life?"

"I guess not."

"You guess not?" He looks at me with a stern face.

"Okay, no, I am sure you didn't get there by being a Negative Nancy." I try to lighten the mood with no success.

"Good, step one has begun. You don't have friends, or family, but look around." He presented the world like a game show host.

"People walking around to their meaningless existence, animals doing the same." I respond.

"God, okay maybe here isn't the right place to show you perspective. Come on, we're going on a trip." He grabbed my hand and pulled me along the side walk.
"Where are we going?" I ask.

"You'll see."

We walked about two blocks to Jim's car. I got in and we headed north towards the mountains. An hour later we pulled into a local park. Jim caught me watching some kids play basketball.

"Perfect, those kids are perfect to start with." Jim gleamed with excitement.

"They are?"

He quickly parked the car and dragged me closer to the children's court.

"What makes those kids different from you?" Jim pondered.

"Athletic skills?" I responded.

"No, they don't have the same worries."

"But that's because they are younger." I snapped.

"No, NO, NO. They don't look at what's not going to happen to them in the future, they look forward to what is going to happen to them. They don't worry about not having friends or family dying, those uncertainties never cross their minds."

"Like I said because they are younger."

"See, in life you need to keep that inner child alive otherwise you are doomed. When people talk about your inner child that's what they mean. They aren't talking about acting like a jackass, whining when you don't get your way, they mean you don't let those dreams, that determination die out." Jim preaches.

My ears are clogged with outrageous advice and new world philosophies. I am not really sure what Jim is getting at here. These kids are important because they feel everything is going to be A-OK in their little lives and as long as that doesn't change they will end up being someone like Jim when they grow up and not like me?

"That's how you ended up where you are?"

"Exactly!" Jim announces to the world. When he said that I felt some of that old hope spark inside of me again.

"Alright, step two, the pop quiz, follow me." Jim started to walk towards the woods.
I followed him. We didn't talk for awhile. We just kept going deeper and deeper into the wooded area until Jim stopped to look around and then we started to climb the mountain that we came upon. We came to a clearing of rocks.
My feet ache at the thought of more movement; the walk hasn't been that bad, but this is more exercise then I've done in a while. I just need a break, a smoke wouldn't be good right now, but I want one. Water maybe?

Jim pointed to one rock specifically."Go sit on that rock." He commanded.

I did what I was told because it's what I was praying for. I climbed up and sat down. The view was otherworldly. I am not lying I could see for miles, it was amazing. Jim found another rock to sit on. We just sat there for an hour not talking or acknowledging the other, until the sun began to set.

"My God, that's beautiful." I said in awe.

"Thank you." Jim whispered. "See there is so much around you to be grateful for, so much to look forward to. You just have to adjust your eyes to see the true light." He profoundly remarked.

"I see that now. I mean the sky looks like a painting."

"It's better because you don't have to pay to experience it and unlike a painting this is an experience. You get to smell the cool night air float in, your irises get to adjust to the light, and you, unlike so many others, get to look up and know that this sight was put upon this earth for you to enjoy in your own way." Jim finished and began to head down the mountain. I took one last look and followed. A memory that will be forever burnt into my mind.

As we walked along the path we had made trucking up this hill I wondered what was in store for me next. This day had been pretty surreal from our first meeting, but so much more secrets of this world had been revealed to me. Granted, some of which were not too profound, but when the shit piles up, you forget that there are more fragrances then just flatulence.

"Did you bring your bathing suit?" Jim asked out of nowhere.

"Never leave home without it." I sarcastically throw back.

"It's okay, you won't need one."

My brow furrows at the thought of what is to come. Something that has to do with water, that's for sure. We took to the road once again in Jim's car. Destination unknown, but I am sure it holds great importance. Sure enough we pull up to the beach. We walk to the side of this hill, and he lies down. I follow suit. Jim spoke not a word for ten minutes.

"Here it comes." He almost yelled.

"Here what comes?" I said as a loud noise filled our ear drums.

We were near the airport. A plane just flies over head; it seems so close to our bodies even though it is safe in the sky above. As amazing as this is, I have no idea what this has to do with our quest.

"Wasn't that great?" He asks.

"Of course it was."

"See, what are you doing worrying about everything? You are nothing but a tiny creature on this earth. There are thousands of monsters, giants, which take to the sky, and flatten this earth. All of which are controlled by a tiny being like yourself. We control everything, but the weather here on this planet of ours. We even control the circle of life. We take lives of creatures every hunting season. We take the lives of people on death row, all the while pumping out children, creating new life. So if we can control all of that, why can't we take hold of our destiny, our lives?" Jim preached to the world around him not just to me.

"I guess, we do have the power to do what we want when we want. But what holds us back?"

"You and only you. That is all your fears taking control of your body, you need to go in there and kill them off." Jim explained.

My gut is lightened by the heavy amount of fear that has been living there for years. It was finally starting to sink in. All my problems were fixable. I have had the power all along to change the way my life is going; the only problem is that I needed someone else to show me that side of things.

"Now it's time for the final exam. Let's hope we pass." Jim said as he walks back to the car.

I dust off the sand from my body and follow him like a loving puppy. He said "we pass", this quest is one that we are both on. If I fail then he fails. I have truly met a friend; someone who cares.

Back in the car and off to a new location, hopefully one with extreme meaning, that will open that last secret door to the new world. Jim takes me back to the park where we first met. We sit back down on the bench.

"Do you understand what I've been trying to say now?" He asks.

"Yeah, I think so… No, I know so. We’ve come full circle. I really feel inspired."

"Inspiration only lasts so long. I mean even after you've completed the finding of inspiration, it only takes you so far, then you have to do the rest for yourself." Jim calmly spoke.

"I get that now."

"I can see in your eyes that you grasp this, I really can." He whispers and bows his head. We sit in silence again. I don't know what to say, but it’s obvious that something is on Jim's mind. "You know I've seen you here day after day." Jim quietly states.

"Really? What made you stop and talk to me today?" I ask.

"Its part of my daily routine, I walk in the park, examining my life, figure out what head space I'm in." He wasn’t even really talking to me so much as the air around him. "I'm about to be a father, about to bring life into this world, and I have always wanted to do something." I start getting worried. "See I am about to enter a world of the intellectual side of being human. I mean, I've been on that side of things forever, but there has always been ways to get out. I could quit, get divorced and join the other side, the animalistic side of things." He pauses.

"I don't understand."

"This is my last chance because any day now my wife's water will break, this beeper will go off for the first and last time, and I will no longer be able to experience that side to life. My child will ground me into being a business man. That is the second to last lesson, seeing the animal inside." Jim solemnly states.

"What's the last then?"

"Seeing the pearly gates or the flames of hell." Jim pulled out a knife.

"What are you…?" I wasn't able to finish my sentence, he stabs me.

"You get to see it all today, Frank. That is my gift to you." Jim twists the knife.

My lungs collapse from the knife wound. I struggle with him for awhile. I fight to live. I can't believe it myself. I had always reviled in the thought of my passing and now I want to see another day. This man who opened my eyes now brought darkness to them. My hands lunge for his throat. Anger had taken over, I need to get help, and I needed to punish this man.

"See the animal, who wants nothing more then to survive." Jim speaks over my gurgle. "I've been watching you because I knew you were the key to getting away with it. Then after talking to you, I realized that taking the life of someone who was already dead inside was not what I needed." I stopped struggling, my strength had left. "I needed to be animalistic; I needed to destroy that hope, those dreams." He cradles me in his arms like a child. "I told you I'd make it all go away didn't I?" He asked. I nod back. My only friend in years and this is what happens. My blood dripping down to my pants and on this mans hands. Jim licked the blood off one finger to taste his trip to the animal side. "I'm sorry Frank, but at least you passed the exam." He said as he set me down on my bench.

Things started going dark, I have lost a lot of blood, but the last thing I remember was hearing the faint buzz of his beeper vibrating and an "Oh SHIT!" from Jim before he walked away.

Electrical storms in my mind form these last thoughts and are as follows. Is he going to get caught? I can only hope. Will I be saved, given a second chance at life? The lights are going dim. My death is a slow one. It’s black for a while until my wish is granted.

A vision flashes before my eyes. I’m at my funeral watching from above, it seems someone upstairs has been listening all along. The turn out is small, but to be honest I didn’t expect much. In the front row sits a familiar, well dressed, man, he hands his beautiful wife their baby. Then Jim approaches the casket. There are tears in his eyes. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out something wrapped in a handkerchief, which begins to loosen. It’s the knife he murdered me with. He places the blood, stained, weapon into my bodies’ coat pocket. No one even saw and with that I’m gone.

Writing

2010-06-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

Writing is a big part of my life. It's one way I work things out. I was dumped by this girl who I dated for 2 years, so I wrote a script about it. The plan was for me to end up with the girl in the end, but as I wrote it I realized my life had to go on, which is reflected at the end of the script.

When my grandparents needed someone to take them to Massachusetts so my Grandmother could have heart surgery and my Grandfather needed someone to drive him around I went. In the experience I got to see my Grandfather in a different light... A softer light, if you get my drift. He was a loving husband, worried about his life mate. I had to take the above Ex to the Hospital a few times and could relate. But it was his tenderness that inspired a short story originally titled "Thoughts of a Melancholy Writer" I later shortened it to "Night of Waiting". It basically combines my grandfather's and my experience into one.

Much later I had a friend and roommate who started talking about the animalistic side of life. I just could not wrap my head around it, so I wrote a story about that, to try and understand it. It wasn't really what my friend was getting at, but it made for some fun, twisted, fiction.

Also while in LA I was dealing with being the 5th wheel... Never fun, but lead to an okay story about a guy who is crazy and his friends are in his head.

Right now, I am working on what looks to be my longest story which makes sense because it's dealing with my father. Trying to understand how we got this way (strained). Trying to understand how he can always be negative. And why we can't be close. Will the story be all of that... Maybe, maybe not. It will probably be entertaining though because it involves a haunted lighthouse.

So now that I have written a blog about writing I will give you a sample. Here is the first short story I wrote. Just so you know I am not a complete creeper.

Creepy or not writing is something that makes me whole.

“Night of Waiting”

It’s about two o’clock in the morning now; I am sitting on the edge of a comfortable hotel room bed. Though the pillows are soft and the mattress is firm, I am wide-awake. Earlier this morning I dropped my wife of fifteen years off at the hospital. Fears of Emily’s operation going to hell are keeping me up. The doctors all say that this is almost routine, but that almost is what’s worrying me. A heart operation is no laughing matter.

Slowly I get up and walk over to the dresser where my keys and wallet lie. I pick up the worn-out piece of leather, which is barely holding itself together. It’s bloated, filled with money, phone numbers of relatives- hers and mine- and cards of all kinds: Insurance, AAA, debit and credit, and for some weird reason this reminds me of the last time I brought her to the hospital.

We were in college down in Boston and she hadn’t been feeling so well for about a month. Emily was so stubborn. I kept saying, “We need to go to the doctor, we need to go.” But she wouldn’t have it. “No, I’m fine. I don’t need some over-educated jerk in a white coat telling me what’s wrong.” So I didn’t push the matter. Then one night she woke me up. She was white as a ghost, shaking, and sweating profusely. “Now we can go to the doctor.” Emily said in a whimper. I quickly jumped out of bed, slipped on my sandals, grabbed our Zip Lock bag of laundry money and helped her out to my car. I prayed my Junker would make it there in one piece. It was a ‘93 Chevy Corsica and never ran right. The old “Purple Beast” must have known that there was something wrong because it never ran so smooth, before or since.

When we got to the hospital it was surprisingly calm, but at four in the morning what did I expect. We wrote our names down for the security guard, I still don’t know why. Then we headed to the registration desk, where they asked my slightly green girlfriend every question under the sun, from insurance to symptoms to where she’s from. I just sat there holding Emily’s cold clammy hand, to assure her that I wouldn’t leave her side. The nurse at the desk asked us to sit in the waiting room for a minute. An hour later another nurse came out to greet us. Okay, it wasn’t an hour, more like fifteen minutes, but in that environment with elevator music playing overhead, it felt like an hour. The nurse, Ruth, took us to room 345. She handed my love a Johnnie and felt the need to comment on my pajama pants.

“Like Superman, huh?”

“No, just the thought of having X-ray vision excites me.” I replied.

Ruth left the room and Emily lied down on the stiff hospital bed. I pulled the chair right up next to her. I began to stroke her hair ever so gently as I watched her eyes become heavier and heavier. Just before she let them shut she made sure to tell me something.

“I love you, Conner.” And with that she was asleep. She must have felt more at ease now, which was good, but for me all of this was like drinking a whole pot of coffee.

A half hour went by and a doctor came in to ask me some questions and I answered them the best I could. Then he left. An hour later another doctor came in. He was a stout, cuddly teddy bear like, man with a bad comb-over. This was the man who would be Emily’s doctor; his name was Phil. I couldn’t help it, but I had to say it. “Hello, Dr. Phil.” From then on out it was, “Whatever you say, Dr. Phil.”, “No problem, Dr. Phil.” It was no surprise that he hated me by the time we left. Dr. Phil woke Emily up and spoke very softly to her He began to ask her to breathe deeply to check her lungs, to say “AWWWW”, all that fun Doctor stuff. He took blood samples and urine samples, and then left to have them tested. A nurse came in not too long after Dr. Phil left and hooked Emily up to an I.V. Guess old Phil was giving us a hint that she would be staying at the hospital for a while. The nurse left, like all hospital attendants do. I turned on the TV and sat on the edge of Emily’s bed. She started to get sleepy again and invited me to snuggle up beside her. Of course I obliged, I am not one to say no to a sick, yet pretty girl. Especially, since I was dating her.

When I woke up I quietly got off the bed, found the bag of laundry money that I brought and went to find the nearest payphone. I called her parents and told them what was going on. They thanked me in their state of shock and said they’d be down as soon as they could. I then informed our school as to the fact that neither she nor I would be in classes for a while. After that little run around from the college I headed back into Emily’s room.

“Your buddy, Dr. Phil, was just here,” she informed me.

“Really? Any news?”

“The tests came back,” she said as tears started to form.

“Wha…What’s wrrrong?” I felt my heart pounding out of my chest.

There was a long silence as she tried to put her thoughts to words. By now I knew it wasn’t good news and my mind began to race a million miles a minute. I tried my best to look cool and collected so I didn’t make things worse.

“Something is wrong with one or both of my kidneys; they’re not sure what….” Her head flopped to her chest.

I quickly ran up beside her and put my hands to her face. I lifted her head up so her eyes met with mine and wiped away her tears. “You’re going to be okay, Baby. We’re going to get through this.” It seemed so cliché to say, but it was all my little mind could think of. You’d think someone who studies writing and the English language would have a better response. Something that would wipe away the worry, but I had nothing. Hell, it was all I could do to stop my tears.

The days progressed and Emily became comfortable with Dr. Phil, while I continued to piss him off with my Dr. Phil comments. Ah, it was great to see him try to keep his cool. He’d release a breath and start to turn red. Emily thought I was horrible to purposely do such a thing, but I needed something to lighten the mood.

“Hey, Emily I wonder what’s on TV,” I said with a smile.

“I’m sorry,” she said with sympathy for Phil.

“Oh my God, Dr. Phil’s on! But wait, how can you be here and on TV at the same time?” My grin grew.

“Because that’s not me!” Phil proclaimed.

“Like I said, I’m sorry,” Emily said shaking her head at me.

“I really think you could do better,” Phil retorted. My grin dropped to a frown.

“Well my work is done here,” Phil said gleaming with pride as he left the room.

Emily too had a smile on her face. “What? That’s nothing I didn’t already know, but I still love you.”

I had all I could do to keep from laughing.

That’s one reason I love Emily; she makes me laugh. I dated a few women before Emily and when I threw one of my smart-ass remarks their way, I got nothing. They only yelled at me for being a jerk. But Emily would just give it right back. The first time that happened I knew I was going to fall hard for this one.

On the day of surgery her parents and I sat in the waiting room. We were normally a talkative bunch, but that day we spoke barely a word. Every once in a while we shot a little smile to each other that was about it. All that the doctors were supposed to do was remove a kidney, the left one was failing but the right one was fine. The surgery was supposed to take four hours. One hour for prep, three to remove the organ. Five hours later I checked in with the nurse’s station to see what was going on.

“If there was anything wrong, the Doctor would come out to talk to you,” A nurse snapped.

Just the comfort I needed. It was on to hour six now and we were beginning to get hungry, but none of us were willing to leave the waiting room to retrieve food. Her mother grabbed a newspaper she brought and tried to read it, but she just can’t focus. Her father insisted on walking about the room making the other families nervous. And I just take it all in and watch the clock tick-tock away. Hour seven and we were allowed to see Emily. The doctor brought her parents over to the corner to tell them what had happened. And I slowly moved towards her bloated body.

“Excuse me Sir? Are you with the family?” A nurse asked harshly.

“No, I’m her boyfriend,” I timidly replied.

“Well, only the family is allowed in this area,” she snapped back.

Liz, Emily’s Mom, stated with authority; “Hey, he was here when we couldn’t be! He brought her to the hospital, he made sure our daughter was taken care of, Conner is allowed back here,” the bitchy nurse backed down.

“Emily has a fine boyfriend, Mrs. Hunter,” Dr. Phil said as he winked at me. I had to smile.

Then I turned back to Emily’s body lying in that bed, tubes coming out of her in every direction. It’s an image I won’t ever forget. I walked around the bed so I could whisper in her ear.

“Hey, I told you everything would be all right. The surgery is over, Hun, and Dr. Phil says you’re going to be fine.” With that, I gave her a gentle kiss on her puffy cheek.

I found out later that what had happened was that it wasn’t the left kidney that had the problems it was the right, an assistant had messed up on the paper work so they had to correct the error. Just think what would have happened if they didn’t realize the mistake, Emily might not be with me today.

Now I am in this hotel room again. It’s amazing how your mind can take you back to a certain place and time. Seems like yesterday that whole thing happened and now tomorrow… Well today, it will happen again. I turn on the radio and Billy Joel’s “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” is playing. I love this song. Well when you’re a Joel fan it’s hard not to love it. Emily wasn’t a fan of Billy Joel, but admitted to love this song.

“Bottle of Red, bottle of White…”

“I’ll take one of each, Billy.”

As the music plays on, I move out to the little balcony, which over looks the parking lot. “Ah, How I love a room with a view.” I say to myself.

The sound of cricket’s chirping fills the night air. Then an unsettling silence and I feel very alone as a light cool breeze brushes my shoulders. I slowly move my eyes up to the starry sky and now my lips begin to quiver.

“God, I know I have bashed the church more than once, but if there is any forgiveness left in you please forgive me, and just watch over my wife. I don’t know what my life would be without her, and don’t want to…” My prayer fades into a whimper and there I stand a man unsure of his future. No smart-ass remarks, no new ideas for a story, just a man with an ache in his heart.

The Meaning Of It All

2010-06-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

So in past posts I have written about God and our relationship with him, but I think it's time to expand a little. Saos means to be made whole. So What makes you whole?

Writing?

drawing?

Cooking?

All of the above?

We all have many different parts that make up one whole person. So now it's time to show you the different sides to Steve. A big part of me is my love for my cats so this is a part of a series of comics I created about them. Just click on it to enlarge.

The Man Upstairs

2010-01-02T00:58:00.000-08:00

So it's been almost a year since I last posted. So much has happened and I have some life lessons to share.

I was looking at this new header my lovely wife made me and it hit me. This picture sums up my last year.

This last years walk with God has been a tough one. And let me tell you it's all my fault.

I was faced with a decision to either move back to Vermont and help out my Grandfather who was not doing so hot or stay in Montana. Jenn had just got a job and things were finally looking up for us, but not for my Grandfather. I kept asking my Pastors what to do and they said "Pray about it. If that's where God wants you then no matter how tough it is, and it will be tough, you'll know that's where you should be."

Well who has the time to wait on or even ask God?!

I didn't.

My Dad was trying to move things along quickly, saying "go! Go! GO!"

So I had to follow suit because he is my Dad. My representation of the Mighty Man Upstairs. I want to do well by him so I Am GOING. And my wife, God bless her, went along for the ride, supporting me at every turn.

And just like that I up rooted our life and moved back to my home town, that never felt like home. Don't get me wrong my family has made me feel welcome, but Wilmington Vermont is like a round hole and I am a square peg.

Right away we are met with contempt. We didn't arrive soon enough, we weren't doing enough. From every angle it just wasn't enough.

And Heaven forbid anyone listen to us.

We felt abandoned.

Alone.

And not once did we talk to God about it. Ask him what to do.

My Grandfather is gone now and I am glad we had one more birthday together and that we spent his last good days together. BUT.... Yup, that is a big but.

But my relationships with my Dad and Grandmother are strained. My Dad doesn't much care for me because I had to leave. Yes we left suddenly, but sometimes a line needs to be drawn, and you reach a breaking point.

If I had talked to God, chances are things would have gone better. Instead of moving, it would have just been a long visit. I was too concerned with pleasing my earthly father that I wasn't concerned with my heavenly one.

I just cut him out. I didn't have time for him.

I learned the hard way as most of us do, that you can only serve one God and it better be an all knowing God too. Chasing money? Nothing good will come. Chasing approval where it doesn't come easily? Nothing good will come. Chasing after anything that isn't the Man Upstairs and nothing good will come.

Listen, I know that reading this one might think I am upset with my Father, but I'm not. He is only human so I can only expect him to be nothing more than human. And I will always forgive him because God tells me to and he's the one I need to trust.

See like the picture above we have to watch were we step. Some boards will break out from under us because they can't support our weight. Some boards just aren't there when we need them. Other boards won't break no matter what you do to it. If you are careful you'll make it to the end, but you'll probably have some bruises.

Welcome 2010.

Dr. Phil, Pills, and False Fills

2009-02-28T21:27:00.000-08:00

This blog was going to be very different a couple days ago, but I have been reading "Jesus Wants to Save Christians" by Rob Bell and I just got to the best part. I can safely say that because I have 40 pages left. He doesn't go too far in depth on this little topic, but it really stirred me.

In the book it says that the best testimony is two words "me too". These two words can be so powerful. These words come with no judgment, when it's heartfelt. This simple phrase reveals so much, it's a shared strife, a connection in a time of weakness. This kind of testimony is so important. So much healing and strength can come from sharing weakness. In 2 Corinthians 12:10, Paul writes; "That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Also in 1 Corinthians 9:22, he writes; "When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone..."

In our world somethings don't change, people need help. If you don't believe me flip through the channels, Dr. Phil, Oprah, Extreme Home Make Over, and so on. Not convinced yet? Browse the Internet. You'll find pills to loose weight, make you happy, re-grow your hair, the list goes on and on. Still not satisfied? We elected a President because he promised change, he told us, he heard our cries, unlike our last President. (SIDE NOTE: I support Obama, I may not agree with everything he does, but I support him.) And then there is the phenomenon called The Secret. All these things fall short because they are too focused on the I such as; What do I get out of it? or How do I profit?

There is this constant need that people have to feel understood, to know that someone else gets it, that we are not alone. We are always looking for something that is going to make us feel important or better... Sadly, not like ourselves, but someone else.

Most of the time we think that money will fix things. If I just had the newest car, computer, or DVD player, then I would be happy. If I just made more at work, then I would finally be happy. For me I think if I was out of debt then I would be happy. I wouldn't... I would be happy Sallie Mae was off my back, but that wouldn't solve all my problems.

If we look to worldly things to solve our problems then it will always be out of reach. True happiness comes from doing for others. It's putting our selves out there and saying "Me too."

You just lost a love one?

Me too.

You are going through a divorce?

I was once there too.

It's putting your arm around someone else shoulder and comforting them in a time of need.

It's showing someone that you still care.

There is a moment in my life that I wish I could take back. I used to have a third Grandmother, a friend of the family who was just like a Grandmother to me. Her name was Evelyn. Well, during my parents divorce I didn't see much of Evelyn anymore. And one day while with my friends I saw her on the street. She was waiting for someone to pick her up, but she couldn't see very well. I was heading right past her and totally had the chance to say Hi! Evelyn, I miss you! You have always been so great to me! But I didn't. I hid my face so she wouldn't notice me and kept on walking. I felt horrible afterward and thought I would make it up to her next time I saw her. Of course I never saw her again after that. She was moved into a home, which I didn't know about until I found out she had passed away.

You feel like a horrible person for something you did in your past?

Me too.

As Christians we are called to be that helping hand, that support group, that non-judgmental friend. And as Christians we have that ultimate support group. I'm not sure if you've heard of them, they are called the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

There is a poem that I love by Mary Stevenson titled "Footprints In The Sand". The person in the poem is walking on the beach with the Lord and he is showing her all these moments in her life. She also notices that she see two sets of foot prints in the sand for the good times and one set in the bad times. She basically states, "What the Hell? Where were you when the times were tough?" And God responds with a "Um, I was carrying you!"

God knows what we are going threw because he's right there the whole time. He cries when we cry, he rejoices, when we are happy. Also let's not forget about the Father and Son bond here. God sent his only son to die for us. That had to be such a tough decision to make. I mean he was such the proud Papa. When John the Baptist baptized Jesus, the Heavens opened up and God said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." God, pulled out all the stops for his son, just as any parent would. Then He allowed his son to be put to death for the greater good. God knows pain. God knows suffering. God can empathize.

Knowing that God is a Trinity there is also Jesus' suffering to look at. The guy never got a moment alone. He would retreat to a mountain some where and people would show up wanting help, while he's recuperating. Not only that, but no one brought any food so he would perform a miracle and feed thousands with a couple loaves of bread and some fish. Sound familiar? Anyone have that friend that always needed to talk? Always needed help. Always just needed. It wares on you. You just want someone to give to you in the way you have been giving to them. Besides the fact that God is the one giving to you like you are to that needy friend, Jesus has been there. He's done that, and prepared a meal that fed over 4,000.

If you've ever been called a name, beaten up, or made an outcast, Jesus has been there. Let's not forget that Jesus broke the bread and said take this and eat it. This is my body. The bread has been broken. Jesus' body has been broken. Then he said take this whine and drink it, this is my blood. His blood has been poured. Why? Why has his body been broken and his blood poured? He did it for us, to save us. The Son of God, the child of everything that is good, creator of the world, was whipped, flogged, spit on, called names, placed on a cross to die so that everyone else could be saved, then stabbed by a spear. If that wasn't enough, he went to Hell. He lived a perfect life and he had to go to Hell. Jesus knows what it's like to go through hard times. When you are struggling, Jesus is there to say "Me too."

It is so hard to tell what is real and what isn't these days, so many people are out to get what's "Theirs". But the best advice comes from God and the Bible, these things are the rock. It's sturdy, unchanging, solid. Everything else is the sand. Ever changing, unsturdy, weak. But most importantly, the best fix to any problem is a friend who doesn't judge you and when you hurt they hurt, and they can say "Me too". If you can't find that friend on this plan of excistance you might want to check out this guy named Jesus and his Dad.

Also if you see a person in need, head slumped over, tears about to trickle down their face, stop, listen to them, and say "me too."

And He's Gone...

2009-01-16T23:49:00.000-08:00

There is this Christian youth gathering that Great Falls Christian Center (GFCC) is apart of called Vision. This year Vision was held at GFCC and I had the duty of video taping it. At first I didn't think it effected me because I was running around trying to get cool shots.

But after Vision things started sinking in. I was literally changed, I had a thirst for God that could not be quenched. I went out and bought a Bible and set out to read it from front to back. I wanted to know everything. My wife and I started reading Purpose Driven Life. If we weren't reading books about God, we were watching movies about him like, Kingdom of Heaven, Michael, The Matrix, The Ultimate Gift, Facing Giants, and Fireproof. Anything I could get my hands on. While I was doing all this, I could feel God. He was right there, by my side, enjoying me, enjoying him.

I started feeling like God was telling me to write a talk about how I had not saved myself for marriage, while my wife had, and how that effected me. I didn't really know if it would be used, but I had to do it.

Then I prepared to be baptised to demonstrate my commitment to God and the church, also to be reborn. The day of the baptism came. I went into the class, my stomach was twisting in excitement. The class ended, and now was the time to step into the tub and be reborn.

The water was warm and comforting, sitting there I knew everything was about to change. The Pastor dunked my head under the water and in an instant I was pulled back up. I felt happy, renewed, I could feel my heart pumping. That's when I stepped out of the tub..... COOOOOOOOOLD!!! Which is a good metaphor, with God it's warm and comforting, but out in the world alone it's COLD!!! Anyway, back to the point. I got dressed and went about my day. It was one of the best days. I felt like a new man why wouldn't it be a great day.

That night I said my prayers and fell asleep knowing that tomorrow everything would be different and it was.

I woke up and something was missing. God had left me... Well, he never leaves, but I didn't feel him around. What do you do when God leaves? If you're me you kinda have a hissy fit. I was so sour the entire day. Jenn kept asking me "What's wrong?" And I really didn't know.

It finally hit me at the gas station. I had gone in to buy some drinks and gum. The cashier gave me too much change, and I started to walk out, not knowing he had, but something told me to recount the cash. I had an extra two dollars, my car was right there all I had to do was get in the car. I knew this was a test, I walked back in the store and gave the cashier the two extra dollars.

God, had decided to test me in a very real way that day. And he didn't come back as strong as he was right after Vision. Actually, most days I don't feel God around, but it's part of his on going test with me. Will I continue to read the Bible and try to follow his path? Well, I am. I used to hate reading the Bible when I was young, but now I love it because I know God is around even when I don't feel him.

The thing is you have to stay faithful. You have to keep trying to find ways of keeping the relationship interesting. Living with God is just like being married. It is something you have to keep working on. And God will show himself to you. He gave me a seasonal job that turned into a steady job. Also he is giving me a chance to tell my story about staying pure, so maybe others can stay away from the mistakes I have made. He is always around, it's just sometimes He plays hard to get. Yeah, it keeps things interesting, just keep that in mind next time he "vanishes".

The Hounds of Heaven

2009-01-01T02:01:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying; Churches are like coffee, everyone likes their's a particular way. I was raised Roman Catholic, which to me is like having your coffee black. I need a little sugar, and a dash of milk, sometimes I like to mix it up with some chocolate or caramel. See what I'm saying? In order for me personally to respond to God, I need a preacher to be less formal, spice things up, it can't be the same black coffee everyday. Now, some people respond to that and it's great. I will never intentionally take something away from a place where God is working his magic.

I have always believed in God. Sure, as a child, I said stupid things like "How can God exist?" because I was young, self centered, and typically mad at the world because I was different. Veggie Tales would say "God made you special" and he did. My friends could play baseball, I could catch a baseball with my face, this little difference set me apart from most of my peers. I instead found talent in the Drama club. I started out acting, then writing, which lead to directing. This set me on a path that would shape my life and bring me to God once and for all.

The way I found God is much like the way I found my wife. I am a hopeless romantic, meaning I believe in true love, people being meant for each other and all the mushy stuff. The thing is it never happened to me. Just like I believed in God, I just never felt him around. So I had a series of bad relationships from high school to college. Girls who were just not right for me. It was much like trying to find a religion that suited me. Since, all I knew was the Roman Catholic way (black coffee), I had no idea of the different varieties Christianity came in. (The Creator is a very diverse being, and knows there is more than one way to get the message across.) So I thought all churches were like the one I grew up in. I read books about other religions and although they weren't bad, they didn't fit, just like those girls I dated.

My best friend found God before I did and tried to get me on the right path, I just didn't want to listen. I was dragged to Bible studies, an interview with his Pastor, but nothing worked. I didn't want to let God in. Let's just say, if someone doesn't want to listen they will build a wall around themselves and nothing can get in.

Finally, I am back in film school, this time in LA, heart broken, and beaten down. My friends keep telling me to get back on the horse, but every time I try things get worse in all areas of my life. Friendships are strained, car gets impounded, the ladies I meet are just jerks, and I start feeling like there is no hope. But what I didn't count on was that God made director commentary on DVD's. For some unknown reason I watch Bruce Almighty's commentary, and it's like the director is preaching to me about how God will place you at the lowest point in you life so you can find your way back to him and get to your true destination. This amazingly kept me holding on. This also lead me to calling my best friend and asking him relationship advice on God. This was all short lived because I didn't have a church or anyone to keep me accountable.

Now things got really bad. My friend in LA dropped out of school, his girlfriend moved in, and I was more alone than ever. This is where I first notice my wife. (She has been in school with me this whole time.) She steps out of the elevator and says; "Hey." It wasn't just a "Hey, man how are you doing?" Hey. This was a "Hey, big boy" Kinda hey. As time went by we started hanging out and became good friends. (Hang, in there, this all ties back to God.) Jenn (my wife), didn't want to be just friends any more, it was time to take our relationship to the next level. I was scared though, I had been burnt too many times before. I kept fighting what was there.

It was just like my relationship with God. I had been keeping him in the friend position, but he wanted more and I was too scared to give him that much. Then I went home for Christmas and found out what life was like without Jenn there. I couldn't stand it. The moment I saw her again I committed to her. This was God's plan all along, see my wife has a very strong grounding in her faith in Christ. By marrying Jenn, I was finally on the right path. She brought me to the church I had been looking for, and I was saved.

I was the stray sheep that my Shepard was out looking for. He tried everything he could to find me and get me back into his flock. He sent out his best hounds (suited to me), my friend, a favorite movie, and finally, the woman I had been looking for since I was five, Jenn. To seal the deal he sent my Pastor, who I swear is only talking to Jenn and I every Sunday, and everyone else there just gets to listen.

God wants us in his kingdom and he will stop at nothing to save us. Have you noticed anything like this happening in your life? Who are your "Hounds of Heaven"?

What to do, what to do.

2008-12-31T22:18:00.000-08:00

So there have been some changes in my life and I am going to be up front about it. Well, if you consider writing on a blog that only your wife reads, up front. I found God, like really found God. I have always believed in God, but it's never been like this. I bought a Strong concordance so I can find out Hebrew and Greek meanings of words. And I have this urge to spread the word. I am trying to find out how I am going to do that. Jenn and I stumbled across the Nooma videos and those got me excited about making movies again, the question is how to make it my own. I have kinda been going crazy trying to figure these things out. How to make it genuine, how to know God is telling you to do this and not yourself. Well, if you have any thoughts let me know.